Thursday, October 25, 2012

i promise i didn't disappear

I didn't vanish. Really I didn't. I've been doing a bit of a juggling act lately. I've been posting regularly for some time now on my new blog, Joyful Project. But there's more that's been going on too.

And I even slowed down there a bit.

Like I said, there's a lot that's been going on. And through it all, I hold fast to the One who can hold me up when I feel like  can't hold on.

So as I've posted about for some time now, Mr. Handsome and I are still on the journey to baby. And we are now actively seeking fertility treatments. We tried one round of In-vitro fertilization or IVF over the summer and we found out that we weren't pregnant.

We prayed a lot about what to do next. I have hesitated to share the details here. But I have to say that I have found so much comfort and encouragement from others who share their stories that I feel the pull to share ours here. I especially feel a desire to do so because I don't read too many blogs where couples share the decision to take the route that we are taking. And if I can offer just the teensiest bit of encouragement to someone out there, it's so worth it to me.

So like I said, we prayed a great deal about it. We would only proceed with any of this as we felt led by God. But we also had the facts. The odds of a woman getting pregnant at my age {forty-five} are 3-5% with IVF. Not the greatest chance. But our God is a miracle worker, so it's no problem for Him. Still, as we prayed, we felt led to look into other options for us to have a baby.

I have always longed to be pregnant, to spend nine months nurturing our baby in my belly. And as God led us, we followed. Our doctor recommended that we try using donor eggs. That is having an anonymous woman donate her eggs to my husband and me. We then will use her eggs in the same way that we used mine for our first IVF.

Truth- When the doctor first suggested this I wanted to run for the hills. No way did I want to do this! no. way. But then God began to soften our hearts. What has since happened is nothing short of amazing. Now it is so not what we planned at all, but here we are having an opportunity to help a young woman out and she in turn is helping us.

And all this is why I've been a little incognito from the blog here. As we've been in this process, the doctor put me on some nasty hormones. All I wanted to do was barf, and hide in the dark until they were over.

And I kinda did. Well, I didn't barf, I just felt like I had to 24/7. I tried to make the best of it and think to myself, next time I feel this way it'd be morning sickness. But I still went into a bit of hiding. I was also being an emotional spaz. I was spinning out of control at thoughts of the what-ifs. My head was out of control with all the possibilities. Oh the mess! And I never before was plagued with this in the first IVF.

And then something happened last Tuesday. I realized that I was letting my circumstances become my identity. But I am not my circumstances. I am not the details of our legal contract with our donor. I am not the result of this IVF cycle.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am more valuable than rubies or pearls.
I am a daughter of the King.

And then I was able to breathe. It's been a week now and I feel like I'm back from a journey. Not just back to the blog, but back from the nightmare of what I was in when I let my circumstances take over. I'll definitely be sharing more as time goes on. And I'll fill you in on more deets about the fertility process. There's a lot there to share.

But in the meantime, it's good to be back.

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  1. andee- thanks for sharing part of your journey. i'm sorry it's been so hard, but it's obvious that God is teaching you lots and that your faith/trust in Him is totally growing and blossoming. and also your identity in Him alone is being strengthened, too! praying for you!!! hugs, lora

    1. awww lora! you are such a sweet dear friend! it's true, my faith and trust are growing in ways i never thought they would. this is a blessing in a package i never would have asked for, but a blessing all the same. thanks for your prayers and love!


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